The Top Ten Blunt Edges' Pickup Lines That Never Work

1.       At a place of worship:

When she has her eyes closed and is in deep prayer, jump right in front of her and shout:

“Ta da! Your prayers have been answered!”

2.       At the movies (Watching a sob-fest):

When she lets her tear glands loose, put your arm around her and in comforting style say:

“Though he is going away from her in the movie, I’m sure they are doing it off screen.”

3.       At the movies (Watching a horror flick):

Shriek and cling on to her when a funny-looking ghost pops up on screen and don’t leave her for at least 5 minutes and keep asking:

“Did it go? Did it go?”

4.       In a lift:

When you are stuck in a lift and you happen to have a travel bag with you, open your bag, take out your spare underwear, put it on top of your pants, and wrap your towel around your neck like a cape and say:

“Why fear when I’m here?”

And then press the “HELP” button.

5.       At a bar:

You see her. She sees you. With a cool swagger, go up to her and ask:

“Do you dance here?”

6.       At a bar – 2:

You see her. She sees you. With a cool swagger, go up to her and ask:

“Yikes! What is that smell? Is it you?”

7.       At a bar – 3:

You see her. She sees you. With a cool swagger, go up to her and ask:

“Seen any hot chick around?”

8.       At a hospital:

Jump right in front of her and with a sigh of relief say:

“Finally you decided to get the b**b job done ha?”

9.       At a restaurant:

Seeing her at the opposite table with a group of friends on a binge night, get on your knees and act as if you are searching for something underneath your table and ensure you make enough of a scene that she, and better her entire group, notices.

Have your friend ask you: “What you looking for dude?”

Your answer (as you turn to the girl gang): “A weighing machine. Anyone seen one lately?”

10.      Anywhere, anytime:

“I'm Blunt Edges’ friend."

Or better still.

“I'm Blunt Edges."

PS: The idea and the title for this post came from a random comment by Grayquill a while ago. So even though it was a completely sarcastic remark by one of my most elderly friends, I still wanna thank him. So thank you Mr. Grayquill :P

PPS: I know I haven’t been active in the blogging world for some time now. I haven’t even been over at your blogs and I have like a million tags pending against me. I’ll surely try to catch up slowly. And a huge thanks to all those who kept enquiring where I had disappeared. It feels good to know people noticed  :D

PPPS: Wish all of you a very very happy Friendship Day :D

PPPPS: 115 followers? Unbelievably awesome! :D

A Visit Home and A New Lesson!

Every visit home teaches me some new stuff like the Pythagoras theorem, the theory of relativity and not to forget the Archimedes' principle. This time was no different. It thought me one lesson through different random incidents.

Scene 1:

I woke up the morning after I reached home. Mom got me my morning tea as I and Dad sat for a little Father-Son chat. It started off with an intellectual insight by Dad on the dinner prepared by Mom the previous night. I followed it up with a very thoughtful take on the dessert we had post-dinner. As Dad and I were peaking with one great point after the other, Mom called Dad for breakfast.

Both of us gladly hopped on for our first meal of the day. And when Mom saw me, she took me by surprise by asking the most unthinkable question: “Where are you off to?”

Me: “Eh? I thought you said its breakfast time.”

Mom: “Did you have your bath?”

Me: “Of course, I did.”

Mom: “Today?”

Me (sheepishly): “Err no. I didn’t realize you meant today.”

Mom (sarcastically): “Of course, you didn’t.”

Me: “Yeah big deal. I might as well have saved some water for the planet!”

Mom: “If that’s the case, you might just save some food for the planet as well. You know the rules here. No breakfast until you have your bath!”

Me: “Oh come on I’m not a kid anymore! Dad, see na.”

Suddenly Dad, who was listening intently and chuckling all this while, finds his breakfast interesting and starts staring at it as if he has to submit research papers on what constitutes his morning meal!

I let out a huge sigh and went for a bath.

Scene 2:

Lunch time at home. I had already downed what can only be described as the monthly food quota for an entire village. That’s when Mom leans to serve some more chicken on my plate.

Me (with a stuffed mouth): “No no, I’m full.”

Mom: “Are you kidding? What have you eaten till now?”

Unable to mouth anything (remember the stuffed mouth?), I just smile.

Mom: “You have lost your appetite.”

I smile some more.

Mom: “Here take some more chicken.”

I continue smiling, while Dad shakes his head.

Scene 3:

I and Dad are arguing about some very trivial issue. Now this is a very common occurrence. My visits home are incomplete without the mandatory argument with Dad.

This time it was about an IPL match. The situation heated up and decibels were raised. Mom sat between us playing solitaire on the iPod. I supported my claim with point by point analysis and live examples. I got Dad in a corner and almost literally shredded his stand and that’s when Dad took out his most lethal weapon: the veto power that all the Dads in the world seem to be born with.

He just walked off saying, “You are just talking nonsense! I don’t want to hear any more of this!”

I was left stranded there with a confused look on my face, while Mom gave out a smug smile, even as she continued playing solitaire.

So what’s the lesson I learnt from this visit home? “Some things never change!”

PS: Did you notice the new blog header? How’s it? It’s a gift from a very very sweet blogger friend for Blunt Edges’ second birthday. The said friend (yeah I have been sworn to secrecy) has sent me 11 blog headers and it’s very tough to choose a favourite, so I just randomly selected one and put it up. A huge thanks to the wonderful friend :D

I Swear To Drunk I’m Not God!

I was checking out the super hot girl who had just entered the pub. She looked around, evidently searching for a known face, and on not finding anyone headed to the bar counter. She perched herself on the high stool and looked towards the entrance. 

“Probably waiting for someone,” I thought. “And maybe that someone is sitting here just staring at her unaware of the bigger scheme of things.” Sigh! 

A tap on my knee snapped me back to reality. I turned to Absolutely-Sloshed-Friend (ASF). A very disturbed look engulfed his face.

“What?” I asked him.

He whispered something. I couldn’t hear him over the loud music.

“What?” I leaned forward and asked him again.

Again he whispered something. I gave him an irritated look and leaned even more ahead and said:

“Can you be a little loud?”

“I WANNA PEE!” He yelled into my ear. I bounced back to where I was sitting when this whole conversation began.

Me: “What’s the matter with you?” 

ASF: “I said I wanna pee!”

Me: “I heard that loud and clear.” 

ASF: “So?”

Me: “So what?”

ASF: “So I wanna pee.”

Me: “You have my blessings. Go ahead.”

Sober-Friend (SF) who had been quietly watching this scene till now decided to step in. 

SF (to ASF): “I’m happy to see that you do take expert advice before venturing into such a delicate and important task.” 

ASF: “Ok people. If funny is what you want, funny is what you get!”

ASF leaned back on the couch and starred unzipping his jeans.

Me: “Whoaaaaaa! What you doing sicko?” 

ASF: “Well you just gave me your blessings, so I thought I might as well use them to pee.” 

Me: “Ok listen. Lesson number 935. When you feel like peeing, close your eyes for a moment, think of all the good times you have had in your life, re-live them again in that one moment, then GET UP AND GO TO THE GOD DAMN LOO!” 

ASF: “Eh?” 

SF: “You didn’t understand what he said?” 

ASF: “No” 

SF: “Fine. Lesson number 936. If you don’t understand lesson number 935, punch yourself in the nuts and read lesson number 935 again.”

High-fives were exchanged between me and SF while ASF just stared at us blindly. 

ASF: “I wanna pee.” 

Me: “We have heard that. Tell us something new.” 

ASF: “I don’t think I can walk by myself to the loo. I’m feeling a bit high.” 

Me (sarcastically): “A bit?” 

ASF: ***cold stare*** 

SF: “Oh. Couldn’t you have spared us this torture by telling this right at the start?” 

ASF: “I’ll try the next time.” 

Me: “Next time? What are you? An oil well?” 

ASF: “Nope. A water tank. You got any problem?” 

Me: “None, as long as it’s your tap.”

High-fives were again exchanged between SF and me. We got up from the comforts of our couch and pulled ASF up. I held his arm firmly and walked him to the restroom. SF walked a step behind us. We entered the restroom. There were 4 booths there. I and SF propelled ASF on to the fourth one. 

SF: “Go on.”  

ASF: “Not while you guys are watching!”

Me: “Just to set the record straight, we aren’t watching.”

SF: “Ok. We will move behind.”

SF moved a step backward all the while keeping a hand over ASF’s shoulder.

ASF: “Leave me!”

SF: “You are swaggering dude.”

ASF: “Whatever. But I can’t do it when someone’s holding me.”

Me: “Yeah but you sure can do it sitting on the couch right in front of a crowd!”

ASF turned around and put out both his hands.

ASF: “See. I’m still. I can do this. Now you guys just turn around and stop looking after me like I’m a little kid.”

Me: “Cool.”

Both of us moved on to the other side. I told SF about the chick at the counter and we decided to toss a coin to see who will be her knight in denims if she is still alone there when we get back.

Suddenly we heard water flowing. We turned and what we saw left us speechless. ASF was standing next to the fourth booth and peeing right where a fifth booth would have been! Unfortunately, there wasn’t a fifth one.

Before we could process what was happening, the door opened and two huge bouncer-type guys (BTGs) came in.

BTG1 (to ASF): “WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING? CAN’T YOU ****ING SEE WHERE YOU ARE LETTING YOUR ****ING HOLY WATER FALL?”

BTG2 (looking at us): “IS THERE ANYONE WITH HIM?”

I and SF looked at each other, and then at the BTGs, then at their biceps, and then finally at each other again. Both of us knew exactly what the other was thinking.

We looked back at the BTGs, shrugged and left the restroom.

Is It Strange?

1. That this is the fastest consecutive post in the history of this blog? (Yeah it has a long history!)

2. That I carry 3 cell phones and less than 10 people have all the 3 numbers?

3. That I feel cheese-burst pizza is the best thing that’s ever happened to mankind? (Man how addictive is it?)

4. That I feel cheese-burst pizza is the worst thing that’s ever happened to mankind? (Man how many calories does it contain?)

5. That I feel Julianne Moore, at 49, is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen?

6. That I feel MS Word is wrong when it’s correcting me in the previous point that the word should be ‘women’ and not ‘woman’?

7. That the last 4 points started with ‘That I feel’?

8. That somewhere in my mind a voice is telling me that if I make a list it’s gotta contain 10 points?

9. That I have a favourite booth/urinal in the office restroom?

10. That I heaved a sigh of relief that the count reached 10?

11. That I like Coke more than Pepsi? (And yeah if you give me Coke and Pepsi without telling me which is which, I can still point out Coke!)

12. That I love watching movies at the theatre and watching them in the TV/laptop isn’t half as much fun?

13. That I’m addicted to SMS chatting? (On an ordinary day, close to 100 texts find their way out of my cell)

14. That I can’t, for some reason, enjoy the movies that have come before my time and are regarded as “classics” (read ‘The Godfather’ series and the like. Sholay is an exception)?

15. That in the previous point, I was confused of where to put the question mark, before or after the braces?

16. That on some days, my appetite touches sky-high limits? (No matter how much ever I eat, I still don’t feel full!)

17. That I’m gonna end this list on a totally non-happening count of 17?

PS: This is the 25th post on Blunt Edges. Thanks to everyone who has ever taken out time to read at least a single line here. And a special mention to the 68 followers, I must say, you have a great taste! ;)

Plain Lazy

Ok here’s an announcement: I’M ALIVE…wasn’t bloggin 4 no particular reason…d only excuse I can come up wid is: “I was lazy”…hope all u guys missed me ;) well I aint waitin 4 d replies 2 dat one ;)

Was thinking wat do I write abt…m kinda outta touch…so d creative brain cells aren’t particulary up n jumpin…so just recountin an incident dat hapnd recently…n btw isn’t dis blog supposed 2 contain d snippets of my intrstng life? So here it goes…

It was the week before the open book exams…I had my bag stuffed wid printouts n printouts n more printouts n den (no not some more printouts) 3 textbooks…so it was quite a heavy bag (logical conclusion rite?)

I hv dis habit of hittin d bed weneva I decide 2 study at my place, so I decided 2 sit back in office n inject some knowledge into my head n must say I failed miserably…I just ended up wastin time here wen I cud easily hv curled up in my bed by dat time if I had gone home (m I makin sense?)

At 8.30, I thot enuf was enuf n got up n took dis huge load wid me…as I swiped out n walked towards d gate, a guy came up to me…he said that he works in the electronic city office of the same company I work 4 n he had lost his atm card…I thot he was gonna ask 4 cash…but as usual I was wrong :)

He said he wanted 2 access d net 2 check if any transactions hv occurred in his a/c since he lost his card…I sighed n thot, “ok atleast its not gonna cost me.”

He was a middle aged guy (MAG)…around 40…luked d gentlemanly kind n most importantly he had d company tag on him (so not a terrorist)…I led him back 2 my cubicle…unlocked my pc n he took over…he logged into d site, took a printout of his a/c transactions n was done in 10-15 mins…we walked back exchanging private n confidential info on how cold d weather is ;)

MAG asked me whr I stay…n bingo he was goin on d same route…n said he’ll give me a drop…he had a 4-wheeler…I cudnt think of any reason 2 refuse…n so we got into his car n he started drivin on d wrong side of d road…both of us checkin out d opp side 2 see if dere is any opening 2 cross onto d other side.

N suddenly we heard a loud thud n d entire car shook…now I hv neva been in a car accident before…so it took a moment 4 me 2 realize wat had hapnd…a cab was parked in front of a restaurant n it had suddenly moved onto d road n hit d back part of our car.

So out we came, n an abuse hurlin session began…d other driver was givin it full-on 2 MAG in Kannada…n MAG maintained a dignified silence 4 sometime…but den he thot he had had enuf n showed d cabbie dat he was anything but dignified…he started back his verbal mouthlash in Hindi…it was fun…n d best part was I learnt some new gaalis (or were dey so old dat ppl hv stopped usin dem) ;)

Now dis cabbie was getting all d local support…d rick-wallahs n all those around joined him n started pointing out how MAG was d one 2 be blamed…n d cabbie was growin more confident n was a waggin his finger a lil too close 2 MAG’s face…I thot it was just a matter of time before a fight wud start…I mean d physical kind

Dis feelin kinda got me thinking…if a fight does start, shud I join? If it was a frnd, I wudnt hv thot twice…but I hardly knw dis guy…n d odds of getting beaten up were a million 2 one…d cabbie had got all d on-lookers on his side…d MAG was alone (ahem…he was probably bankin on me…but I wasn’t sure if I was really willin 2 prove him rite)

N den some wise guy suggested dat d cops be called…my mind started racin…wat if d cops come n tow d car away? My bag wid all d printouts n d texts were in dat…n he had locked d door…damn why do I hv 2 get involved here? I went n stood next 2 MAG
Me: why cant we just leave?
MAG: lets see wat he wants 2 do?
Me: well d only thing he seems intrstd 2 do is abuse u…n luks like he’s doin a gud job of it
MAG: (cold stare)
Me: s**t
MAG: let him call d cops if he wants…I hv been thru dis before…no big deal
Me: (thinking) yeah rite…now dat makes me feel so much more better

Suddenly, d cabbie turned n got into his cab n left…still continuing his noble deed of cursin MAG…now d crowd started dispersin n I let out a sigh of relief…MAG started checkin d car 4 scratches…he remarked: “dere is a dent here na?”
Me: yeah yeah…now can we move? (thinking: or atleast unlock d door so I can get my bag)
MAG: pretty nasty one…think I shud claim insurance?
I went around 2 see wat he’s pointing at n I din see anything…I crouched n had a closer look…still nothing
Me: yup…claim it…its very bad (thinking: plz unlock d god damn door)

Finally we got into d car n left…we crossed onto d other side n MAG started his pravachan on how it was all d cabbie’s fault…I just nodded waitin 4 wat seemed like an eternity 2 reach my place n silently regrettin d moment I actually thot of helping dis guy.

Moral of d story: kill d idiot who said u shud do a gud deed every day!!!

Gospel of Luv – 10 Rules 4 Guys

Over d years I hv had numerous pals who hv been in a relationship…some have been freakin serious abt it even though dey were just in the 11th grade while some even on d cusp of 30 weren’t sure of wat dey were doin…but 1 thing’s been common throughout: all d guys have common complaints abt d relationship…so 4 all u wannabe romeos, here’s a list of rules u better be prepared 4 if u intend 2 fall in d pit of luv ;)

Note: In dis list ‘u’ refers 2 d guys

1. U shudn’t disturb her (by callin on d phone) wen she’s out wid her frenz. But no such rules apply wen u r havin a nice time wid ur buddies.
2. Wen she says she din hear ur call or notice ur msg, its genuine. If u din notice her’s, den god save u.
3. I’m sure all u couples wud spend long nites on d phone. So dis rule is 4 all u poor souls: Wen she’s sleepy at nite, its fine. Wen u r sleepy, u r ignorin her.
4. U wud be constantly told not 2 hide things frm her. BEWARE – dis is a trap. D moment u think yeah u shud be honest n blurt out ur previous crush’s name, u r dead. N if dat crush still happens 2 be in ur vicinity, den u r not only dead, u hv lost all chances of nirvana!
5. Don’t ask more dan 2 back-2-back questions abt her frnd…u may suddenly get a high-pitched “why don’t u ask her only?” on ur face.
6. “Is dere anything abt me dat u don’t like?” She can ask dis in d most passionate of moments. N u bein completely smitten wudn't even be aware of wats comin out of ur lips. Yeah I know u were honest…but den u were also a fool!
7. If she asks u 2 sing 4 her over phone, don’t argue, just do it n get over wid it. N never ask her 2 return d favor. Ever heard of anyone singin over d phone?!?!?!
8. Don’t ever end a msg or a call without d mandatory “luv u”…dis, my frnd, is an unforgivable sin.
9. U shall never be in a bad mood. No matter wat, u shud always be happy n cheerful n caring n understanding even if ur boss was threatening 2 fire u if u don’t work for 14hrs a day or u had a bad fight wid d motorist who rammed into u wen u were crossin d road or even if a near one is on d deathbed, it just doesn’t matter. However if her neighbor’s cousin’s nephew’s classmate’s step-mom’s best-friend’s Pomeranian has a flu, u shud of course be mourning.
10. N finally d most imp rule of all…weneva u hv a fight wid her, just rmbr 1 thing: “u r always wrong”. D sooner u admit it, d better 4 u.

Hope at least 1 innocent guy wud benefit frm dis…d rest can click on d ‘comments’ link n type something out ;)

N talking abt luv,
Q. Do u believe in luv @ 1st sight?
A. Yeah, of course. It happens 2 me all d time ;)

PS: Watched “Jaane tu ya jaane na” over d weekend…damn cool movie…don’t miss it :)

Ta ta

Bunty, Babli, etc etc

Recently my frnd (lets call her babli) told me dat her cousin bunty has won a prize in some competition in one of those malls n d organizers had called him up n asked him 2 get a couple along if he wants 2 claim d prize…bunty had asked babli if she can get someone along n I was d chosen one (I don’t even hv a say dammit)

So off we went 2 dis place…it turned out 2 be an office of a well-known holiday packages n clubbin enterprise…we got dere n met bunty…now bunty bein babli’s cousin was a shrewd guy alright…he thot up dat d more d no. of couples he tags along d more his chances of baggin dat gift…so he brought along 2 gals n babli had called another one of her guy friend (hari prasad chaurasia, HPC in short) also…dat made d 6 of us n in bunty’s words “3 couples”

We were d last 2 reach d place…d other 4 were already dere…we went in n bunty talked 2 d receptionist dere n asked her wat next…n den fell d bomb…d receptionist asked whr is d “married couple” n bunty almost had a heart-attack !!! He confirmed if wat he heard was rite…n yeah it was (but he still din hv d heart-attack)

Now none of us had heard all of dis…we were just waitin 4 bunty 2 come back n tell us wat d whole damn thing is abt…dats wen HPC decided dat we hv waited enough.

He decided 2 take matters in his own hands n went n asked bunty “Wassup bro? Anything wrong?”

A confused lukin bunty luked up 2 his savior n replied in a feeble voice, “They need a married couple!!! N both of us aren’t married na!!!”

The receptionist heard dis n said dat rules r rules n she cant help it…these 2 guys decided dat dey need 2 speak 2 her mngr n find out if dere was an alternative…dey called him up n he confirmed wat dey had just heard frm d lady on d other side of d table (note: d heart-attack still eludes bunty)

Now d 2 dejected guys came back 2 us wid their heads almost touchin d grounds…dey told us wat d matter was…n we…er…sympathized wid dem…babli started her lecture on how bunty shud hv found out wat d funda was before callin in so many ppl…n we collectively nodded our heads in silent agreement

Den suddenly HPC had dis gleam in his eyes n he luked up 2 yours truly…n 4 d 1st time in my life I realized wat on earth is telepathy…I said NO even before he opened his mouth…d others still din get wat exactly is hapng…n HPC proceeded 2 enlighten dem:
“D lady knows dat I aint married…she knows dat bunty aint married…but she has no clue abt dis guy’s (my) marital status…he can go in wid babli as a twosome n d gift will find its way into our hands!!!”
(4 some strange reason it reminded me of dis dialog frm don: “Sonia…tum jaanti ho yeh revolver khaali hai, mein jaanta hun ki yeh revolver khaali hai…magar police nahin jaanti ki yeh revolver khaali hai”)

“NO!!! I can’t do dis!”, I felt like I was talking 2 myself…no one was even listenin…dey all agreed dat dis is d brainstorm of d century n we r just lucky 2 be part of dis great conspiracy

Babli, eventhough a bit skeptical at 1st, agreed 2 go wid d flow n of course my protests were fallin on deaf ears…so dere we were d “married couple” of d day… bunty introduced us 2 d receptionist as THE couple…n d lady gave a wry smile indicating pretty well dat she knew dis was a stop-gap arrangement…but she wasn’t worried (why wud she be? D company was givin d prize…it wasn’t frm her pocket)

She asked my name n I decided I m gonna keep it as discreet as possible…I just said my 1st name n forged a signature by just writin down my name…she said we will hv 2 sit thru a presentation 4 an hr n a half…so dat was d deal…me n babli r a couple for 1.5 hrs n we had decided amongst d 2 of us dat we r gonna walk away wid d gift whether bunty likes it or not

We were led upstairs n den ushered into a big hall whr many couples whr sittin wid a company rep…d six of us were seated wid special emphasis on d “couple” occupyin d center seats…a rep joined us n he started a random interview…he asked twice if we guys r married n I replied wid a straight face dat we r…I cud see possible smirks on d others’ faces waitin 2 explode but I was stuck wid my dead-pan luk (never one 2 let go easily :) )

He asked stuff like whr we stay n everyone told him n den he turned 2 babli n she replied wid a “we hv made our home in…” n it suddenly dawned on me dat we were supposed 2 hv d same nest (must say I almost blew it up dere…but den babli was dere 2 save d day)

Den we filled up a form…dere was 1 column dat asked d last 3 places dat we visited n stuff…n we put in kerala (my suggestion), karwar n mysore (her suggestion)…wen we were asked abt it I spoke at length abt how kerala was (comes naturally 2 me ;) )

Dis was followed by a lady who took over d mantle of quizzing us…she started off wid a “ha boliye janaab”…a hyderabadi n a proud one at dat…she refused 2 talk in any language other dan hindi…was a pretty funny lady n talked a lot n told us abt dis holiday scheme dat dey were promoting n dats wat dey wanted d couples 4 (at last it made sense)

She even went on 2 say dat I n babli don’t exactly luk married…I pushed my chair closer 2 babli n asked “now?” Negative…so I told babli “smile” n I also smiled…now? Still negative…phew dis is beyond me.

N if we thot dis was d end…well we had some surprise left…a 3rd person came in…he was d mngr…he told us d tariff…it was a cool 1.5 lakhs…n it was a 1-day offer…so we had 2 commit den n dere…so finally we got an opening…we did some “couple discussion”…n came 2 d conclusion dat we need some more time 2 think like say around a week
Dem: “Not possible”
Us: “Bad luck den”

D packed gift was given 2 us n we filled up some feedback form n dashed out of d place…all of us huddled around as d gift was bein unwrapped…n dere came out d mega-prize 4 which all dis effort had gone in:
A set of crockery – kitchen bowls 2 be exact…n a 1-day pass 2 one of those clubs
Babli pocketed d pass n 2 bowls…bunty? Well he finally had his long-pending heart-attack!!!