A Visit Home and A New Lesson!

Every visit home teaches me some new stuff like the Pythagoras theorem, the theory of relativity and not to forget the Archimedes' principle. This time was no different. It thought me one lesson through different random incidents.

Scene 1:

I woke up the morning after I reached home. Mom got me my morning tea as I and Dad sat for a little Father-Son chat. It started off with an intellectual insight by Dad on the dinner prepared by Mom the previous night. I followed it up with a very thoughtful take on the dessert we had post-dinner. As Dad and I were peaking with one great point after the other, Mom called Dad for breakfast.

Both of us gladly hopped on for our first meal of the day. And when Mom saw me, she took me by surprise by asking the most unthinkable question: “Where are you off to?”

Me: “Eh? I thought you said its breakfast time.”

Mom: “Did you have your bath?”

Me: “Of course, I did.”

Mom: “Today?”

Me (sheepishly): “Err no. I didn’t realize you meant today.”

Mom (sarcastically): “Of course, you didn’t.”

Me: “Yeah big deal. I might as well have saved some water for the planet!”

Mom: “If that’s the case, you might just save some food for the planet as well. You know the rules here. No breakfast until you have your bath!”

Me: “Oh come on I’m not a kid anymore! Dad, see na.”

Suddenly Dad, who was listening intently and chuckling all this while, finds his breakfast interesting and starts staring at it as if he has to submit research papers on what constitutes his morning meal!

I let out a huge sigh and went for a bath.

Scene 2:

Lunch time at home. I had already downed what can only be described as the monthly food quota for an entire village. That’s when Mom leans to serve some more chicken on my plate.

Me (with a stuffed mouth): “No no, I’m full.”

Mom: “Are you kidding? What have you eaten till now?”

Unable to mouth anything (remember the stuffed mouth?), I just smile.

Mom: “You have lost your appetite.”

I smile some more.

Mom: “Here take some more chicken.”

I continue smiling, while Dad shakes his head.

Scene 3:

I and Dad are arguing about some very trivial issue. Now this is a very common occurrence. My visits home are incomplete without the mandatory argument with Dad.

This time it was about an IPL match. The situation heated up and decibels were raised. Mom sat between us playing solitaire on the iPod. I supported my claim with point by point analysis and live examples. I got Dad in a corner and almost literally shredded his stand and that’s when Dad took out his most lethal weapon: the veto power that all the Dads in the world seem to be born with.

He just walked off saying, “You are just talking nonsense! I don’t want to hear any more of this!”

I was left stranded there with a confused look on my face, while Mom gave out a smug smile, even as she continued playing solitaire.

So what’s the lesson I learnt from this visit home? “Some things never change!”

PS: Did you notice the new blog header? How’s it? It’s a gift from a very very sweet blogger friend for Blunt Edges’ second birthday. The said friend (yeah I have been sworn to secrecy) has sent me 11 blog headers and it’s very tough to choose a favourite, so I just randomly selected one and put it up. A huge thanks to the wonderful friend :D

If I Were...

Saw this at Harini's and then at Annie's. It looked kinda interesting and since I can't think of anything fun to write, I thought I'll do it. So here it goes.

If I were a month, I’d be December.

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Friday (weekend).

If I were a time of day, I’d be 18:00 (swipe-out time).

If I were a season, I’d be Winter.

If I were a planet, I’d be Pluto (yeah I know it ain't a planet, but then neither am I!) :p

If I were a sea animal, I’d be fishy ;)

If I were a direction, I’d be lost! ;)

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be the Bean Bag.

If I were a liquid, I’d be wet ;)

If I were a tree, I’d be the Banyan.

If I were a tool, I’d be the Hammer.

If I were a flower, I’d be dead (never gonna be a flower!)

If I were an element, I’d be Air.

If I were a gemstone, I’d be dead again (neither a flower, nor a gemstone!)

If I were a kind of weather, I’d be very very cold.

If I were a musical instrument, I’d be the Drums.

If I were a color, I’d be Denim Blue.

If I were an emotion, I’d be Fear.

If I were a fruit, I’d be a Mango. (do u know the word 'mango' is absent from the T9 dictionary on your cell?)

If I were a sound, I’d be an Applause.

If I were a car, I’d be a Black Porsche Cayenne.

If I were a material, I’d be Denim.

If I were a food, I’d be tasty of course ;)

If I were a taste, I’d be Salty.

If I were a scent, I’d be the Ferrari Black.

If I were an object, I’d be a Cell Phone.

If I were a song, I’d be "When I'm Gone" - Eminem

If I were a body part, I’d be the Fist.

If I were a place, I’d be Vegas.

If I were a facial expression, I’d be a Smirk.

If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be polished ;)

PS: Was watching American Pie 7 the other day and heard the corniest pickup line ever:

"The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word."

Corny, but funny! ;)

PPS: Blunt Edges turned 2 on April 2nd :D

THE END!

I Swear To Drunk I’m Not God!

I was checking out the super hot girl who had just entered the pub. She looked around, evidently searching for a known face, and on not finding anyone headed to the bar counter. She perched herself on the high stool and looked towards the entrance. 

“Probably waiting for someone,” I thought. “And maybe that someone is sitting here just staring at her unaware of the bigger scheme of things.” Sigh! 

A tap on my knee snapped me back to reality. I turned to Absolutely-Sloshed-Friend (ASF). A very disturbed look engulfed his face.

“What?” I asked him.

He whispered something. I couldn’t hear him over the loud music.

“What?” I leaned forward and asked him again.

Again he whispered something. I gave him an irritated look and leaned even more ahead and said:

“Can you be a little loud?”

“I WANNA PEE!” He yelled into my ear. I bounced back to where I was sitting when this whole conversation began.

Me: “What’s the matter with you?” 

ASF: “I said I wanna pee!”

Me: “I heard that loud and clear.” 

ASF: “So?”

Me: “So what?”

ASF: “So I wanna pee.”

Me: “You have my blessings. Go ahead.”

Sober-Friend (SF) who had been quietly watching this scene till now decided to step in. 

SF (to ASF): “I’m happy to see that you do take expert advice before venturing into such a delicate and important task.” 

ASF: “Ok people. If funny is what you want, funny is what you get!”

ASF leaned back on the couch and starred unzipping his jeans.

Me: “Whoaaaaaa! What you doing sicko?” 

ASF: “Well you just gave me your blessings, so I thought I might as well use them to pee.” 

Me: “Ok listen. Lesson number 935. When you feel like peeing, close your eyes for a moment, think of all the good times you have had in your life, re-live them again in that one moment, then GET UP AND GO TO THE GOD DAMN LOO!” 

ASF: “Eh?” 

SF: “You didn’t understand what he said?” 

ASF: “No” 

SF: “Fine. Lesson number 936. If you don’t understand lesson number 935, punch yourself in the nuts and read lesson number 935 again.”

High-fives were exchanged between me and SF while ASF just stared at us blindly. 

ASF: “I wanna pee.” 

Me: “We have heard that. Tell us something new.” 

ASF: “I don’t think I can walk by myself to the loo. I’m feeling a bit high.” 

Me (sarcastically): “A bit?” 

ASF: ***cold stare*** 

SF: “Oh. Couldn’t you have spared us this torture by telling this right at the start?” 

ASF: “I’ll try the next time.” 

Me: “Next time? What are you? An oil well?” 

ASF: “Nope. A water tank. You got any problem?” 

Me: “None, as long as it’s your tap.”

High-fives were again exchanged between SF and me. We got up from the comforts of our couch and pulled ASF up. I held his arm firmly and walked him to the restroom. SF walked a step behind us. We entered the restroom. There were 4 booths there. I and SF propelled ASF on to the fourth one. 

SF: “Go on.”  

ASF: “Not while you guys are watching!”

Me: “Just to set the record straight, we aren’t watching.”

SF: “Ok. We will move behind.”

SF moved a step backward all the while keeping a hand over ASF’s shoulder.

ASF: “Leave me!”

SF: “You are swaggering dude.”

ASF: “Whatever. But I can’t do it when someone’s holding me.”

Me: “Yeah but you sure can do it sitting on the couch right in front of a crowd!”

ASF turned around and put out both his hands.

ASF: “See. I’m still. I can do this. Now you guys just turn around and stop looking after me like I’m a little kid.”

Me: “Cool.”

Both of us moved on to the other side. I told SF about the chick at the counter and we decided to toss a coin to see who will be her knight in denims if she is still alone there when we get back.

Suddenly we heard water flowing. We turned and what we saw left us speechless. ASF was standing next to the fourth booth and peeing right where a fifth booth would have been! Unfortunately, there wasn’t a fifth one.

Before we could process what was happening, the door opened and two huge bouncer-type guys (BTGs) came in.

BTG1 (to ASF): “WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING? CAN’T YOU ****ING SEE WHERE YOU ARE LETTING YOUR ****ING HOLY WATER FALL?”

BTG2 (looking at us): “IS THERE ANYONE WITH HIM?”

I and SF looked at each other, and then at the BTGs, then at their biceps, and then finally at each other again. Both of us knew exactly what the other was thinking.

We looked back at the BTGs, shrugged and left the restroom.

Is It Strange?

1. That this is the fastest consecutive post in the history of this blog? (Yeah it has a long history!)

2. That I carry 3 cell phones and less than 10 people have all the 3 numbers?

3. That I feel cheese-burst pizza is the best thing that’s ever happened to mankind? (Man how addictive is it?)

4. That I feel cheese-burst pizza is the worst thing that’s ever happened to mankind? (Man how many calories does it contain?)

5. That I feel Julianne Moore, at 49, is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen?

6. That I feel MS Word is wrong when it’s correcting me in the previous point that the word should be ‘women’ and not ‘woman’?

7. That the last 4 points started with ‘That I feel’?

8. That somewhere in my mind a voice is telling me that if I make a list it’s gotta contain 10 points?

9. That I have a favourite booth/urinal in the office restroom?

10. That I heaved a sigh of relief that the count reached 10?

11. That I like Coke more than Pepsi? (And yeah if you give me Coke and Pepsi without telling me which is which, I can still point out Coke!)

12. That I love watching movies at the theatre and watching them in the TV/laptop isn’t half as much fun?

13. That I’m addicted to SMS chatting? (On an ordinary day, close to 100 texts find their way out of my cell)

14. That I can’t, for some reason, enjoy the movies that have come before my time and are regarded as “classics” (read ‘The Godfather’ series and the like. Sholay is an exception)?

15. That in the previous point, I was confused of where to put the question mark, before or after the braces?

16. That on some days, my appetite touches sky-high limits? (No matter how much ever I eat, I still don’t feel full!)

17. That I’m gonna end this list on a totally non-happening count of 17?

PS: This is the 25th post on Blunt Edges. Thanks to everyone who has ever taken out time to read at least a single line here. And a special mention to the 68 followers, I must say, you have a great taste! ;)

The Nameless Award!

Bliss has given me an award (but for some strange reason, it doesn’t have a name!). It just came with the following rules:

1) List 7 things about yourself that nobody knows.

2) Pass on this award to 7 other people.

3) Comment on their blog and let them know that they are tagged.

I know I have many tags pending against my name, but this one’s an award, yeah yeah I know it doesn’t have a name and a fancy pic, but it’s an award nevertheless (or so claims Bliss), so this goes first!

So 7 things about me that nobody knows ha? This is gonna be fun:

1.    I’m an atheist. Yup, you heard it right. I ain’t anti-god or anything, but I just don’t pray. I’m not the kind who argues about the existence of god. I respect those who believe and their beliefs, and I expect them to respect me and my beliefs (or rather the lack of them)

2.    I’m terrible with kids. I just can’t do the sweet-talk thing with them. I remember going to my cousin’s place and meeting his kid for the first time. They bought the kid and thought I might pick him up or talk to him or something. Six people stood around me waiting for my next move. And all I could manage was a wave of my hand at the kid, who seemed more relieved than me that he could go and do something fun than sit with me.

3.    I’m dying to see when and who will be my 50^th follower. The list has been stuck at 48 for some time now.

4.    I just can’t figure out why the world’s crazy over Angelina Jolie. Ok, she acts well, but sexiest lady in the world? NO WAY!

5.    I’m not a morning person. I like it quiet in the mornings and I can get real sulky if I’m subjected to lots of noise. I normally carry on with that mood till I have my cuppa tea.

6.    I have this weird habit of noticing the minutest of details of the movies I like. For eg. Did you know that in Rang De Basanti, Karan’s (played by Siddharth) character’s first and last line in the movie is ‘Nautanki Saala’

7.    I have been working for a little over 3 years, and I already know I’m in the wrong field, but I still have no clue what I really wanna do!

So there you go, 7 things about me which I hope you didn’t know. And now I pass on this award (yeah IT IS AN AWARD!) to the following lucky people:

1.    Shanu (It would be really fun to know your 7 secrets! Hope you do it!) :)

2.    Iceprincess (There now you even have an idea for a post!) :D

3.    Riddhi (I’m sure your list would be downright hilarious) :D

4.    Grayquill (Never seen you do a tag. Try one for a change) :)

5.    Ashley (Let’s actually see if you are 45 or 18) ;)

6.    Madhu (There I tag you once more) :)

7.    Meenakshi (Thought I would give you an award too) :)

8.    Lakshmi (Maybe you can make it more than one post for this month) ;)

9.    Anita (You should have a lot of spare time on the bench! Spare some for this tag) ;)

10.  Zeba (Hope the intelligent blogger spills some secrets) :D

11.  Nim (One more person who has lotsa free time!) :D

12.  Parry (Let’s have some laughter here buddy) :D

13.  Gayathri (I hope your first secret isn’t that you are related to Vishwanathan Anand) :D

14.  Reflections (Just coz she loves awards, even if it’s a nameless one!) ;)

Yeah I know it went a little above 7, sue me :P

I Hate It When...

1. People break queues in the office cafeteria. I would have given them a piece of my mind (and my arm) if it was outside.

2. I have to work overnight every alternate day and I come home at the most weird of times (read anytime between 2 to 6 am)

3. I’m expected to work on weekends also.

4. No matter how hard I work and how long I slog, there are atleast 2 other people in my team who work harder and slog longer.

5. I don’t get time to update my blog even though there are a couple of ideas in my mind.

6. I barely get time to read all the blog updates that pop up on my blog list.

7. I have to cancel movie plans with HC (Hot Crush) because of work.

8. She goes for the same movie with a guy friend and messages me saying she had loads of fun.

9. I see the ‘Happening’ song from ‘Main Aur Mrs. Khanna’. Whatever happened to the extemely beautiful Preity from ‘Salaam Namaste’

10. I can’t read Mr.Mind’s and Choco’s blog anymore.

11. I can’t think of a valid/funny 11th point!

12. Wait! I hate this too ->

It’s from my office restroom and I see it multiple times every single working day of my life and its strategic placement ensures I read it every time I go in for a leak.

So I do hate 12 (or maybe 11) things now, but there is one thing good that’s happened lately. I have been chosen for the ultra-prestigious, uber-cool ‘Superior Scribbler Award’ by Meenakshi. ***huge applause + standing ovation***

So now these are the rules that accompany this award. Talk about great responsibilities accompanying great power!

* Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.

* Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

* Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.

* Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

* Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

Since I don’t have a huge history of following rules, I’m gonna break the first rule! I have more than 5 favourite bloggers, so every single blogger who reads this can take the award and display it on their blog. But mind you, you should follow the rules. Only I can break them shamelessly ;)

PS: I'm not some weirdo who goes on clicking snaps in the loo, it was a one-off thing!

Namma BMTC (Not-so-loosely translated as ‘Our BMTC’)

Everyone who has been to Bangalore and has travelled in the BMTC buses here, please raise your hands! (The rest of you can scratch your chins :D)

The BMTC bus conductor takes pride in not returning the exact change when you buy the ticket. If you give Rs.30 for a Rs.25 ticket, he’ll get you the ticket, and with a ease that comes only with years of practice, he’ll write “5” behind the ticket. Now this means that any time before you get down, you had better “remind” him that he has to return you the change, that is, if you actually want the change! But if by any chance you forget to remind him about the fiver, don’t expect him to remember and return it to you. Mind you, it’s not because he has any intention of keeping your money, but the simple reason is that he is a very very busy man, who doesn’t have time to remember about the trivial amount. Which, in fact, he could have easily returned to you the moment you bought the ticket as is bag is always overflowing with loose change, but he doesn’t. Because he wants to improve the collective memory of the citizens of Bangalore! (So nice of him na?)

And when you do remind him about the change, and he returns it to you, he’ll tear the ticket or scratch off the “5” just in case you don’t ask him for the change again later! You see, there’s room for only one smart-ass in a BMTC bus!

So, last week, I boarded a bus, found myself a seat, took out the cash and bought a ticket. And I was lucky enough to get a “7” behind my ticket (yeah I like to think of it as some kinda lottery ticket!) I didn’t know how much the ticket would cost and therefore couldn’t provide the exact change and ended up with the 7 on my ticket.

Now 7 is a very odd number. Yeah you would think it’s not even, so it’s odd. But how on earth is it “very odd”, right? It’s very odd because it doesn’t matter much when it’s a 1, 2, 3 or for that matter 4 behind the ticket. Even if I forget to ask it and lose the money, I feel it’s a small amount. It’s actually “change”/“chillar”. But when it touches 5, it kinda becomes not-so-small. Its half-plate panipuri! It’s a Cadbury Munch! It’s not chillar anymore!

So, mindful of the fact that I do have to remind the gentleman in khaki about the Rs.7 he owes me, I sat there listening to 'Hey there Delilah!' on my cell. Around halfway into the journey, the conductor came near me. And me being a Bangalorean with a reasonably good memory, said:

“Boss, saat rupaye dene hai” (“You gotta pay me 7”)

The conductor looked at me as if I had asked him to give me half of his salary! I thought the busy man had, as usual, forgotten about the money and dished out the ticket from my jeans. He gave a scowl and said something in Kannada. I normally can make out the gist of most things I hear, but this was a total bouncer.

I asked: “Kya?” (“What?”)

He: (muttering some more stuff in Kannada under his breath) “Where? Stop?”

I told him the name of the stop.

He: “You don’t ask. I give”

Saying this, he turned and walked back to the front. I was stunned. Now this was a first. They normally mutter stuff and pay. By the time I regained my composure and thought I should say something, he was standing next to the driver.

I shook my head and suddenly realized that everyone around me was looking at me.

Tish-phish-doom-shoom-BOOM!!! And there lay my ego on the floor of the bus all splattered and squashed!

I just did what a man does in situations like this. I switched the song to Nickelback’s 'Rockstar' and started playing Mini Golf on my cell! So, engrossed was I putting the ball in the hole that I didn’t realize that my stop had come. I jumped out just a quarter of a second before the doors of the bus closed and that’s when I remembered that I never got the 7!

I looked into the bus and saw the conductor looking at me from the window. I gave a scowl back and stared at him. The bus started moving slowly and I had to cross the road. He was still staring at me from the glasses at the back of the bus and even I didn’t move my gaze. Time stood still as neither of us looked away. The silent mature battle of the egos of two fully-grown men was on full display to the entire world but not a single soul apart from the two of us knew about it!

“You ain’t gonna win this one dude!” I yelled at him without saying a word.

SCREEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHH!!! A car braked right next to my legs. I had walked right to the middle of the road staring at the conductor.

“You blind *******! Can’t you ******* see and cross the road? Bloody ********”...” that’s the last thing I heard as I ran onto the other side of the road far from BMTC conductors and angry drivers!

Note: I know I haven’t posted in a long while. And writing this one also took some effort with all the rustiness creeping in. A huge thanks to all the people who at some point or the other coaxed me to update. It really feels good to see people wanting to read something I come up with. I have never been prolific with my posts: 20 posts in 18 months isn’t something to boast about. All I can say in my defence are the famous lines by Miss Kido:

“Cowards blog everyday...The brave blog but, once in a while!!!”