I Swear To Drunk I’m Not God!

I was checking out the super hot girl who had just entered the pub. She looked around, evidently searching for a known face, and on not finding anyone headed to the bar counter. She perched herself on the high stool and looked towards the entrance. 

“Probably waiting for someone,” I thought. “And maybe that someone is sitting here just staring at her unaware of the bigger scheme of things.” Sigh! 

A tap on my knee snapped me back to reality. I turned to Absolutely-Sloshed-Friend (ASF). A very disturbed look engulfed his face.

“What?” I asked him.

He whispered something. I couldn’t hear him over the loud music.

“What?” I leaned forward and asked him again.

Again he whispered something. I gave him an irritated look and leaned even more ahead and said:

“Can you be a little loud?”

“I WANNA PEE!” He yelled into my ear. I bounced back to where I was sitting when this whole conversation began.

Me: “What’s the matter with you?” 

ASF: “I said I wanna pee!”

Me: “I heard that loud and clear.” 

ASF: “So?”

Me: “So what?”

ASF: “So I wanna pee.”

Me: “You have my blessings. Go ahead.”

Sober-Friend (SF) who had been quietly watching this scene till now decided to step in. 

SF (to ASF): “I’m happy to see that you do take expert advice before venturing into such a delicate and important task.” 

ASF: “Ok people. If funny is what you want, funny is what you get!”

ASF leaned back on the couch and starred unzipping his jeans.

Me: “Whoaaaaaa! What you doing sicko?” 

ASF: “Well you just gave me your blessings, so I thought I might as well use them to pee.” 

Me: “Ok listen. Lesson number 935. When you feel like peeing, close your eyes for a moment, think of all the good times you have had in your life, re-live them again in that one moment, then GET UP AND GO TO THE GOD DAMN LOO!” 

ASF: “Eh?” 

SF: “You didn’t understand what he said?” 

ASF: “No” 

SF: “Fine. Lesson number 936. If you don’t understand lesson number 935, punch yourself in the nuts and read lesson number 935 again.”

High-fives were exchanged between me and SF while ASF just stared at us blindly. 

ASF: “I wanna pee.” 

Me: “We have heard that. Tell us something new.” 

ASF: “I don’t think I can walk by myself to the loo. I’m feeling a bit high.” 

Me (sarcastically): “A bit?” 

ASF: ***cold stare*** 

SF: “Oh. Couldn’t you have spared us this torture by telling this right at the start?” 

ASF: “I’ll try the next time.” 

Me: “Next time? What are you? An oil well?” 

ASF: “Nope. A water tank. You got any problem?” 

Me: “None, as long as it’s your tap.”

High-fives were again exchanged between SF and me. We got up from the comforts of our couch and pulled ASF up. I held his arm firmly and walked him to the restroom. SF walked a step behind us. We entered the restroom. There were 4 booths there. I and SF propelled ASF on to the fourth one. 

SF: “Go on.”  

ASF: “Not while you guys are watching!”

Me: “Just to set the record straight, we aren’t watching.”

SF: “Ok. We will move behind.”

SF moved a step backward all the while keeping a hand over ASF’s shoulder.

ASF: “Leave me!”

SF: “You are swaggering dude.”

ASF: “Whatever. But I can’t do it when someone’s holding me.”

Me: “Yeah but you sure can do it sitting on the couch right in front of a crowd!”

ASF turned around and put out both his hands.

ASF: “See. I’m still. I can do this. Now you guys just turn around and stop looking after me like I’m a little kid.”

Me: “Cool.”

Both of us moved on to the other side. I told SF about the chick at the counter and we decided to toss a coin to see who will be her knight in denims if she is still alone there when we get back.

Suddenly we heard water flowing. We turned and what we saw left us speechless. ASF was standing next to the fourth booth and peeing right where a fifth booth would have been! Unfortunately, there wasn’t a fifth one.

Before we could process what was happening, the door opened and two huge bouncer-type guys (BTGs) came in.

BTG1 (to ASF): “WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING? CAN’T YOU ****ING SEE WHERE YOU ARE LETTING YOUR ****ING HOLY WATER FALL?”

BTG2 (looking at us): “IS THERE ANYONE WITH HIM?”

I and SF looked at each other, and then at the BTGs, then at their biceps, and then finally at each other again. Both of us knew exactly what the other was thinking.

We looked back at the BTGs, shrugged and left the restroom.