Time Travel

A promo of a recent movie screamed out “If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?” (Oh come on MS Word “would it” sounds more correct than “it would”!)

This got me thinking. What would I wanna change if I were to travel back in time? And then it struck me!

*Rewind to the time when Blunt was somewhere in the 3^rd or 4^th grade*

Li’l Blunt was playing cricket at the base of his building. Now there’s something you need to know about Li’l Blunt. Like majority of the children, who played cricket in India, he too hated fielding. Hand him a bat or a ball, and he’s the happiest guy around, but ask him to field and he gets all grumpy.

So there he stood all sulking and grumpy, when the batter hit a shot past him and he was expected to chase the ball, which of course had crossed the boundary line, but still had to be retrieved nevertheless.

“BLUNT!” The bowler had yelled the moment the ball was hit. Like every other bowler to have ever played the game, this one too didn’t like it when he was hit for runs and inadvertently found fault with the fielder or the pitch or the weather conditions or luck or the quality of the ball or …(you get the drift right?)

Bottom line: It’s never the bowler’s fault!

“Not again!” Li’l Blunt muttered under his breath as he ran behind the ball. And then he saw it. The ball had hit the door of a cab parked there. The cabbie was washing his vehicle and looked pissed. Now you must realize that kids of this age, playing near their buildings used to play with rubber balls, the kind that didn’t cause much harm when it hit a cab.

The cabbie had picked up the ball and was staring at Li’l Blunt, anger venting out profusely from his eyes.

“Sorry” Li’l Blunt said meekly as he reached near the cab.

Cabbie: “Why did you hit the ball on my cab?”

Li’l Blunt: “My friend hit it here. I’m just fielding.”

Cabbie: “Don’t give me answers, when I’m talking!”

Li’l Blunt: “But you just asked me a question.”

Cabbie: “Shut up!”

Li’l Blunt: “I’m sorry. Can I have the ball back?”

Cabbie: “It’s not your father’s cab, that you can just come, hit it and go!”

Li’l Blunt: “Why you dragging family into all this? I said I’m sorry!”

*Whack*

The cabbie slapped Li’l Blunt right across his tiny face.

Li’l Blunt (holding back his tears): “Why did you hit me? I wasn’t the one batting, I just came to fetch…” (His voice broke away as tears started finding their way out of his eyes)

Li’l Blunt’s friends had by then gathered around him and were pacifying him.

“It’s ok buddy. Let him keep the ball. We’ll go back” They said.

“BUT WHY DID HE HAVE TO SLAP ME?” Li’l Blunt yelled over his tears and looked at the cabbie with all the anger his little eyes could conjure up.

“DON’T YOU DARE STARE AT ME!” That was the last thing Li’l Blunt heard before another *Whack* sound blared into his ear. The cabbie had slapped him again. And Li’l Blunt was crying non-stop. His friends dragged him away as he howled uncontrollably.

“I’ll go right away and tell my Dad about this and he’ll come kick the cabbie’s ass” Li’l Blunt told his friends when they were at a safe distance from the cab and the monster who drove it.

“No no. It will just create more problems. Let it be Blunt. It’s alright. You’ll be fine.” They said.

And Li’l Blunt just kept crying.

*End of Flashback*

And for some reason, this incident stayed with me all these years. And if I could go back in time and change it, I might have wanted the ball to break the windshield of the cab, or ram into his nuts, or maybe both.

PS: Haven’t been around that much and don’t even have an excuse for the same. Just plain old laziness and boredom creeping in. And I know this ain’t the kind of stuff I normally write, but it’s been 5 months since I last posted, so obviously I would be a li’l rusty :)

The Top Ten Blunt Edges' Pickup Lines That Never Work

1.       At a place of worship:

When she has her eyes closed and is in deep prayer, jump right in front of her and shout:

“Ta da! Your prayers have been answered!”

2.       At the movies (Watching a sob-fest):

When she lets her tear glands loose, put your arm around her and in comforting style say:

“Though he is going away from her in the movie, I’m sure they are doing it off screen.”

3.       At the movies (Watching a horror flick):

Shriek and cling on to her when a funny-looking ghost pops up on screen and don’t leave her for at least 5 minutes and keep asking:

“Did it go? Did it go?”

4.       In a lift:

When you are stuck in a lift and you happen to have a travel bag with you, open your bag, take out your spare underwear, put it on top of your pants, and wrap your towel around your neck like a cape and say:

“Why fear when I’m here?”

And then press the “HELP” button.

5.       At a bar:

You see her. She sees you. With a cool swagger, go up to her and ask:

“Do you dance here?”

6.       At a bar – 2:

You see her. She sees you. With a cool swagger, go up to her and ask:

“Yikes! What is that smell? Is it you?”

7.       At a bar – 3:

You see her. She sees you. With a cool swagger, go up to her and ask:

“Seen any hot chick around?”

8.       At a hospital:

Jump right in front of her and with a sigh of relief say:

“Finally you decided to get the b**b job done ha?”

9.       At a restaurant:

Seeing her at the opposite table with a group of friends on a binge night, get on your knees and act as if you are searching for something underneath your table and ensure you make enough of a scene that she, and better her entire group, notices.

Have your friend ask you: “What you looking for dude?”

Your answer (as you turn to the girl gang): “A weighing machine. Anyone seen one lately?”

10.      Anywhere, anytime:

“I'm Blunt Edges’ friend."

Or better still.

“I'm Blunt Edges."

PS: The idea and the title for this post came from a random comment by Grayquill a while ago. So even though it was a completely sarcastic remark by one of my most elderly friends, I still wanna thank him. So thank you Mr. Grayquill :P

PPS: I know I haven’t been active in the blogging world for some time now. I haven’t even been over at your blogs and I have like a million tags pending against me. I’ll surely try to catch up slowly. And a huge thanks to all those who kept enquiring where I had disappeared. It feels good to know people noticed  :D

PPPS: Wish all of you a very very happy Friendship Day :D

PPPPS: 115 followers? Unbelievably awesome! :D

Gang War

Final year of college. A time when life is simple. A time when nothing worries you. A time when you command respect. A time when you are king of the world (er...if not the world, at least king of the college!)

Langda came home one day all furious and angry.

Idiot: “Wassup?”

Langda: ***Angry stare***

Idiot: “Some girl turned you down again?”

Langda: ***Angry stare***

Idiot: “Some professor yelled at you in class again?”

Langda: ***Angry stare***

Idiot: “You have attendance shortage again?”

Langda: ***Angry stare***

I and SG (Smart Guy) were watching this interesting episode unfold in front of us.

SG (to me): “Do you think we should tell Idiot to stop blabbering after Langda breaks his nose or before?”

Me: “You actually have doubts on that? After of course!”

Langda: “A first year guy challenged me to a fight and there were girls around when he did it.”

Me: ***Stifled laugh***

Idiot: “And what did you do?”

Langda: “I didn’t do anything. He was huge.”

Me: ***Another stifled laugh***

SG: “Boy this is embarrassing.”

Langda: “You don’t think I know that!”

SG: “I’m sure you know that. I was just trying to rub it in some more.”

Me: ***Bursts out laughing***

Langda made a plan to go the junior’s place at night and scare the living crap out of him. The script, screenplay and dialogues are all ready and put in place. All friends who have bikes and cars are called up to set up the ambience.

At exact 9pm, 5 bikes and 1 maruti 800 screeched to a halt in front of the junior’s place. Our roles were clearly defined. Langda, Idiot, SG and DrunkA were supposed to go and talk. The rest of us had to just keep on accelerating the bikes. In exactly ten minutes, I had to enter the scene and say the stupidest line of my life, “Hey guys make it fast. We need to go meet the Triggers at Kainos also.” (Triggers was a fictional “gang name” and Kainos was a pub nearby. I wasn’t even sure if they would get what we were trying to mean with “Triggers”, but then what the heck I was just an actor and all I could do was obey the director.)

And wait, I had some more stuff to do. My second line would be, “Which is the guy?”

SG would point out the guy to me and I’ll give him a threat-filled look in slow-motion from head to toe and back to head.

Sick, I know.

So we reached there at 9pm. We waited near the gate and the foursome went in. Idiot rang the bell and waited. Around 4-5 juniors lived there and we were 14 cool (apparently) people.

SG was supposed to give the opening line. The rest were to start after that. The junior opened the door and was flummoxed to see the crowd. Langda, Idiot and DrunkA were waiting for SG to start, but they didn’t hear a single word. They turned around to look at SG, who had held up a finger pointing at the junior, but no voice came out. Stage fright had gripped SG and he just couldn’t talk!

The entire effect created by the “gang” was wilting off. A smirk seemed to be appearing on the junior’s face. The remaining three weren’t prepared for this scenario. DrunkA realized it was time he came forward and took the initiative.

Fatak!

DrunkA slapped the junior right across the face. Everyone was stunned. This wasn’t planned. All the effect and more came back. The scene turned way grimmer than what we had anticipated. The rest of them said a few words and I thought its best to enter the scene and finish the whole drama.

“Hey guys make it fast. We need to go meet the Triggers at Kainos also,” I shouted.

 The guys came back and as planned I asked SG, “Which is the guy?”

 SG pointed at the junior.

I put on the coolest look in my armoury and nodded my head and looked at him from head to toe slowly and back up. And then I noticed him looking at me up and down with much more anger and humiliation venting out of his eyes, courtesy the slap.

“Damn!” I muttered under my breath as we left the place.

A Visit Home and A New Lesson!

Every visit home teaches me some new stuff like the Pythagoras theorem, the theory of relativity and not to forget the Archimedes' principle. This time was no different. It thought me one lesson through different random incidents.

Scene 1:

I woke up the morning after I reached home. Mom got me my morning tea as I and Dad sat for a little Father-Son chat. It started off with an intellectual insight by Dad on the dinner prepared by Mom the previous night. I followed it up with a very thoughtful take on the dessert we had post-dinner. As Dad and I were peaking with one great point after the other, Mom called Dad for breakfast.

Both of us gladly hopped on for our first meal of the day. And when Mom saw me, she took me by surprise by asking the most unthinkable question: “Where are you off to?”

Me: “Eh? I thought you said its breakfast time.”

Mom: “Did you have your bath?”

Me: “Of course, I did.”

Mom: “Today?”

Me (sheepishly): “Err no. I didn’t realize you meant today.”

Mom (sarcastically): “Of course, you didn’t.”

Me: “Yeah big deal. I might as well have saved some water for the planet!”

Mom: “If that’s the case, you might just save some food for the planet as well. You know the rules here. No breakfast until you have your bath!”

Me: “Oh come on I’m not a kid anymore! Dad, see na.”

Suddenly Dad, who was listening intently and chuckling all this while, finds his breakfast interesting and starts staring at it as if he has to submit research papers on what constitutes his morning meal!

I let out a huge sigh and went for a bath.

Scene 2:

Lunch time at home. I had already downed what can only be described as the monthly food quota for an entire village. That’s when Mom leans to serve some more chicken on my plate.

Me (with a stuffed mouth): “No no, I’m full.”

Mom: “Are you kidding? What have you eaten till now?”

Unable to mouth anything (remember the stuffed mouth?), I just smile.

Mom: “You have lost your appetite.”

I smile some more.

Mom: “Here take some more chicken.”

I continue smiling, while Dad shakes his head.

Scene 3:

I and Dad are arguing about some very trivial issue. Now this is a very common occurrence. My visits home are incomplete without the mandatory argument with Dad.

This time it was about an IPL match. The situation heated up and decibels were raised. Mom sat between us playing solitaire on the iPod. I supported my claim with point by point analysis and live examples. I got Dad in a corner and almost literally shredded his stand and that’s when Dad took out his most lethal weapon: the veto power that all the Dads in the world seem to be born with.

He just walked off saying, “You are just talking nonsense! I don’t want to hear any more of this!”

I was left stranded there with a confused look on my face, while Mom gave out a smug smile, even as she continued playing solitaire.

So what’s the lesson I learnt from this visit home? “Some things never change!”

PS: Did you notice the new blog header? How’s it? It’s a gift from a very very sweet blogger friend for Blunt Edges’ second birthday. The said friend (yeah I have been sworn to secrecy) has sent me 11 blog headers and it’s very tough to choose a favourite, so I just randomly selected one and put it up. A huge thanks to the wonderful friend :D

If I Were...

Saw this at Harini's and then at Annie's. It looked kinda interesting and since I can't think of anything fun to write, I thought I'll do it. So here it goes.

If I were a month, I’d be December.

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Friday (weekend).

If I were a time of day, I’d be 18:00 (swipe-out time).

If I were a season, I’d be Winter.

If I were a planet, I’d be Pluto (yeah I know it ain't a planet, but then neither am I!) :p

If I were a sea animal, I’d be fishy ;)

If I were a direction, I’d be lost! ;)

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be the Bean Bag.

If I were a liquid, I’d be wet ;)

If I were a tree, I’d be the Banyan.

If I were a tool, I’d be the Hammer.

If I were a flower, I’d be dead (never gonna be a flower!)

If I were an element, I’d be Air.

If I were a gemstone, I’d be dead again (neither a flower, nor a gemstone!)

If I were a kind of weather, I’d be very very cold.

If I were a musical instrument, I’d be the Drums.

If I were a color, I’d be Denim Blue.

If I were an emotion, I’d be Fear.

If I were a fruit, I’d be a Mango. (do u know the word 'mango' is absent from the T9 dictionary on your cell?)

If I were a sound, I’d be an Applause.

If I were a car, I’d be a Black Porsche Cayenne.

If I were a material, I’d be Denim.

If I were a food, I’d be tasty of course ;)

If I were a taste, I’d be Salty.

If I were a scent, I’d be the Ferrari Black.

If I were an object, I’d be a Cell Phone.

If I were a song, I’d be "When I'm Gone" - Eminem

If I were a body part, I’d be the Fist.

If I were a place, I’d be Vegas.

If I were a facial expression, I’d be a Smirk.

If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be polished ;)

PS: Was watching American Pie 7 the other day and heard the corniest pickup line ever:

"The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word."

Corny, but funny! ;)

PPS: Blunt Edges turned 2 on April 2nd :D

THE END!

I Swear To Drunk I’m Not God!

I was checking out the super hot girl who had just entered the pub. She looked around, evidently searching for a known face, and on not finding anyone headed to the bar counter. She perched herself on the high stool and looked towards the entrance. 

“Probably waiting for someone,” I thought. “And maybe that someone is sitting here just staring at her unaware of the bigger scheme of things.” Sigh! 

A tap on my knee snapped me back to reality. I turned to Absolutely-Sloshed-Friend (ASF). A very disturbed look engulfed his face.

“What?” I asked him.

He whispered something. I couldn’t hear him over the loud music.

“What?” I leaned forward and asked him again.

Again he whispered something. I gave him an irritated look and leaned even more ahead and said:

“Can you be a little loud?”

“I WANNA PEE!” He yelled into my ear. I bounced back to where I was sitting when this whole conversation began.

Me: “What’s the matter with you?” 

ASF: “I said I wanna pee!”

Me: “I heard that loud and clear.” 

ASF: “So?”

Me: “So what?”

ASF: “So I wanna pee.”

Me: “You have my blessings. Go ahead.”

Sober-Friend (SF) who had been quietly watching this scene till now decided to step in. 

SF (to ASF): “I’m happy to see that you do take expert advice before venturing into such a delicate and important task.” 

ASF: “Ok people. If funny is what you want, funny is what you get!”

ASF leaned back on the couch and starred unzipping his jeans.

Me: “Whoaaaaaa! What you doing sicko?” 

ASF: “Well you just gave me your blessings, so I thought I might as well use them to pee.” 

Me: “Ok listen. Lesson number 935. When you feel like peeing, close your eyes for a moment, think of all the good times you have had in your life, re-live them again in that one moment, then GET UP AND GO TO THE GOD DAMN LOO!” 

ASF: “Eh?” 

SF: “You didn’t understand what he said?” 

ASF: “No” 

SF: “Fine. Lesson number 936. If you don’t understand lesson number 935, punch yourself in the nuts and read lesson number 935 again.”

High-fives were exchanged between me and SF while ASF just stared at us blindly. 

ASF: “I wanna pee.” 

Me: “We have heard that. Tell us something new.” 

ASF: “I don’t think I can walk by myself to the loo. I’m feeling a bit high.” 

Me (sarcastically): “A bit?” 

ASF: ***cold stare*** 

SF: “Oh. Couldn’t you have spared us this torture by telling this right at the start?” 

ASF: “I’ll try the next time.” 

Me: “Next time? What are you? An oil well?” 

ASF: “Nope. A water tank. You got any problem?” 

Me: “None, as long as it’s your tap.”

High-fives were again exchanged between SF and me. We got up from the comforts of our couch and pulled ASF up. I held his arm firmly and walked him to the restroom. SF walked a step behind us. We entered the restroom. There were 4 booths there. I and SF propelled ASF on to the fourth one. 

SF: “Go on.”  

ASF: “Not while you guys are watching!”

Me: “Just to set the record straight, we aren’t watching.”

SF: “Ok. We will move behind.”

SF moved a step backward all the while keeping a hand over ASF’s shoulder.

ASF: “Leave me!”

SF: “You are swaggering dude.”

ASF: “Whatever. But I can’t do it when someone’s holding me.”

Me: “Yeah but you sure can do it sitting on the couch right in front of a crowd!”

ASF turned around and put out both his hands.

ASF: “See. I’m still. I can do this. Now you guys just turn around and stop looking after me like I’m a little kid.”

Me: “Cool.”

Both of us moved on to the other side. I told SF about the chick at the counter and we decided to toss a coin to see who will be her knight in denims if she is still alone there when we get back.

Suddenly we heard water flowing. We turned and what we saw left us speechless. ASF was standing next to the fourth booth and peeing right where a fifth booth would have been! Unfortunately, there wasn’t a fifth one.

Before we could process what was happening, the door opened and two huge bouncer-type guys (BTGs) came in.

BTG1 (to ASF): “WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING? CAN’T YOU ****ING SEE WHERE YOU ARE LETTING YOUR ****ING HOLY WATER FALL?”

BTG2 (looking at us): “IS THERE ANYONE WITH HIM?”

I and SF looked at each other, and then at the BTGs, then at their biceps, and then finally at each other again. Both of us knew exactly what the other was thinking.

We looked back at the BTGs, shrugged and left the restroom.

Is It Strange?

1. That this is the fastest consecutive post in the history of this blog? (Yeah it has a long history!)

2. That I carry 3 cell phones and less than 10 people have all the 3 numbers?

3. That I feel cheese-burst pizza is the best thing that’s ever happened to mankind? (Man how addictive is it?)

4. That I feel cheese-burst pizza is the worst thing that’s ever happened to mankind? (Man how many calories does it contain?)

5. That I feel Julianne Moore, at 49, is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen?

6. That I feel MS Word is wrong when it’s correcting me in the previous point that the word should be ‘women’ and not ‘woman’?

7. That the last 4 points started with ‘That I feel’?

8. That somewhere in my mind a voice is telling me that if I make a list it’s gotta contain 10 points?

9. That I have a favourite booth/urinal in the office restroom?

10. That I heaved a sigh of relief that the count reached 10?

11. That I like Coke more than Pepsi? (And yeah if you give me Coke and Pepsi without telling me which is which, I can still point out Coke!)

12. That I love watching movies at the theatre and watching them in the TV/laptop isn’t half as much fun?

13. That I’m addicted to SMS chatting? (On an ordinary day, close to 100 texts find their way out of my cell)

14. That I can’t, for some reason, enjoy the movies that have come before my time and are regarded as “classics” (read ‘The Godfather’ series and the like. Sholay is an exception)?

15. That in the previous point, I was confused of where to put the question mark, before or after the braces?

16. That on some days, my appetite touches sky-high limits? (No matter how much ever I eat, I still don’t feel full!)

17. That I’m gonna end this list on a totally non-happening count of 17?

PS: This is the 25th post on Blunt Edges. Thanks to everyone who has ever taken out time to read at least a single line here. And a special mention to the 68 followers, I must say, you have a great taste! ;)